Archived Dear Ms. Monkey

Your attachment to your sex toy is unnatural and probably explains why you have no human girlfriend. No girl would want to compete with your mechanical device and would have to question what a man who seeks pleasure and fulfillment from such a device would have to offer her. This goes way beyond fighting over the remote. I short, you are the sick fuck and certainly no stranger to bending over and getting fucked, albeit by your own hand, so shut up and enjoy it.

I think my cockatiel is afraid of heights. He use to hang out at the top of his cage, but now he doesn’t go near the top of the cage. I wanted to give him a wildlife treat and pasted pictures of the great out doors near the top of his cage, you know like mountain lions and bobcats etc. I thought he would enjoy the outdoor life, but now he seems afraid of heights. What can I do to get my cock up? What’s the next phobia for my cock, claustrophobia?

You think you're depressed, how the hell do you think your cockatiel feels? Having obviously tired of your unwanted attentions to his anatomy he sought refuge at the bottom of the cage. Instead of providing any solace or comfort you surrounded him with pictures of predators. You are a rare fucking genius. Your cock needs some gentle hand held attention so that he may again rise to the top. I further suggest that you provide him with companionship in the form of a Rose Breasted Gross Beak. If that doesn't get him up nothing will. Hopefully you will have success because there is nothing quite as sad as a depressed Hairy Chested Nut Scratcher.

Dear Ms. Monkey;

I have finally figured out who you are, hiding under this cloak of Ms. Monkey. My question is, do you strictly date your own kind or would you be willing to "go out a limb" of another type?

- Psycho Boy

Dear Psycho Boy:

"Hiding under the cloak of Ms. Monkey"? I would suggest that you keep your flasher fantasies to yourself, especially in light of your confession to being a "psycho".

I have always maintained a strict preference for dating humanoids of the opposite sex so it would be unrealistic for you to further entertain your fantasy of me or any other person of normal intelligence "going out on a limb" or otherwise engaging in the lower primate behavior you obviously enjoy. Communicate again should you ever develop the ability to walk upright and I might be able to refer your to the help you obviously need to resolve your identity issues.

- Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey;

How many kids will I have?

-Julie

Dear Julie:

Based on the content your question it may only be hoped that you will have none

thereby preserving a reasonable intelligent genetic pool for the future of the human race.

Unfortunately persons of your obvious unique intellect usually produce a large amount of offspring, but God handles this by visiting his wrath on trailer parks.

Julie, help God out and indulge only in oral sex and don’t spit in the Ocean because fish are brain food and we need them.

- Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey

All my fellow co-worker bikers are suggesting that I use an "ass-gasket". They keep talking about "gross contamination" and "skid marks" on the seat. I checked the seat on my bike and I don't see anything. Can you please explain what an ass-gasket is and where it attaches to my bike? Also, do you think I can buy one at the Harley dealer?

Thanks, Dogfart

Dear Dogfart:

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that your seat is black. Contaminants produced by you are going to have insufficient contrast to be seen by you because you are too close to the problem, but there should be no problem smelling them.

Now, if these "skid marks" are visible to your associates, your problem is probably too extreme for an ass-gasket, sometimes called a Texas "T" shirt. An ass gasket is good for protection from minor blow by, but we're talking major leakage here. You should look into Depends which should be available at your Harley Davidson dealer in their "cruiser" section. Depends attach right at the source of the problem and your mother should be able to hook you up as she has prior experience with your problem.

Further, stop trying to pass yourself off as"Dogfart". Dude, it is obvious that you are "Dogshit".

-Mrs. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey;

I have a 1981 yamaha maxim 550, That all of a sudden had a short or something in the wireing because of the fact that the brake light is constentley on. It seems like i alwasy press the brake light. Also my turn signals do not work. I have checked all fuses and all is ok and the main one. Im very puzzeled and I DESPRITALEY NEED SOME HELP.

- brian

Dear "brian":

Damn, what language are you speaking? It sure as hell isn't English. As far as I'm able to decipher the content of your query, it would seem that you are lucky that a light is on somewhere, even if it is only in your 25 year old piece of shit. Bucko, your signals are not the only thing not working.

You are "puzzeled" and "DESPRITALEY"need some help"? Hell, I am puzzled and desperately want to know by what cruel trick of fate the letters of your name can be arranged to spell "brain".

The source of the short circuit here appears to clearly be organic and not mechanical. I advise that you sell the antiquated Yamaha and utilize the proceeds to enroll in an ESL class. This should benefit both you and the bike.

-Ms Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey;

I've recently over-extended myself financially-do you know of any quick ways a hard (working)man can make a few extra bucks?

-outta $$$$$

Dear Out of Cash;

Based on your spelling, syntax and grammar it would appear that you have also overextended yourself intellectually in writing your query. Be that as it may, I suggest that you solve your financial difficulties by moving to China and selling you organs on the Internet. This will not prove to be an intellectually challenging exercise and you can sell them all because you obviously have the nothing to lose. Your brain will be a great boon to research into early primate development.

-Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey;

I have followed your work for some time now and I feel I know you. Your quick, decisive, savvy answers to the everyday woes of your fellow man. I would like it very much if we could meet for a couple of Roofie Coladas and see what happens.

-Gotta Crush

Dear Gotta Crush:

From the tenor or your communication you strike me as an insipid Brokeback Mountain type whose libido might best be served by going to your room, drinking your Roofie cocktail and jacking off.

Further, you low life idiot, this is a fucking family column and in the future you should confine your wet dreams to your room and tiny mind.

-Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey;

I really want to go see Brokeback Mountain with my wife, but I'm having trouble getting my dick out of this cow...please tell me what to do!

-Stuck in Love

Drawn to hairy asses, huh?

Obviously your wife does not want to see the butt fucking cowboys as badly as you do because she would let you get your dick out of her if she did. If your attraction to cowboys is so strong you are going to have be honest with your heifer. Firmly pinch her udders and break the news to her. Even cows have certain sensibilities and you should be grateful that you married a cow rather than a pig. Pigs can be damn mean

-Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey;

My wife wants me to go see Brokeback Mountain. I'm afraid my buddies will give me a hard time, what should I do?

-On The Fence

Obviously you are sitting on the fence with one of the posts up your butt.

Of course your buddies are going to give you a hard time. How do you think they're going to feel when they find out you took your wife instead of them? Definitely jealous and hurt after all the long evenings you spent with them under the stars wrapped up in your bed roll. They will want to know what your wife has that they don't. Tell your wife that it is a man thing and go see the movie with your buddies. You and your twinky buddies should have a good time and the only hard time you'll be getting from them will be coming from behind.

-Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey.

I want to make pickle bread. Where do I find dill dough?

-Hungry

Don't play no stupid word games. Go the nearest adult bookstore and ask for your damn "dill dough" then go home and shove it up your ass. Based on the fact that the human body runs at 98.6 degrees your bread won't be ready for some time. When you feel it is done, eat it.

-Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey

I want to bed two women that work at the same place. They are friends and talk to each other. Can this be done? What should I do?

-Horny

Dear Horny

Oh Yes. The question that has plagued man for centuries.

Of course it can be done. They're friendly. Set up a threesome.

-Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms Monkey

When I go out with a group of people for dinner and everyone is ordering different things how do you divide the check?

-Cost Conscience

Dear Cheap Ass

Timing is everything. When the check is about to be delivered excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Upon returning, after the bill has been paid, throw a wad of singles on the table. Nobody is going to question the math in public.

-Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey

When is it appropriate to ass fuck your wife's sister during your daughter's wedding? After the vows or after the cutting of the cake?

-Blue Balls

Dear Blue Balls

Idiot. The cutting of the cake is after the vows. Obviously you have already gone for it and I shall assume that you washed your hands before joining the reception line.

-Ms. Monkey

Dear Ms. Monkey;

I’m drunk! I have told my wife I am in a business meeting, but when I get home it well be completely obvious that I have been drinking. What can I say so I don’t have to explain?

-Drunk in Oakland

Dear Drunk:

The solution is obvious. When you go home make as much noise as possible. Skid into the driveway, slam you car door and the house door, stumble up the stairs, and throw your clothes all over the bedroom. Climb into bed naked and say "Honey, how about a blow job." She will pretend she is asleep and leave your the fuck alone.-Ms. Monkey